Tattling and Sibling Woes

Every couple of years I reread one or more of my parenting books. I have several. I have read them all many times and I still can't get this parenting gig under control. Every couple of years, or months, or days, the kids change a little bit and I have to work out new strategies to help keep the peace in the home and make sure each child's individual needs are met. I'm not exactly sure why I picked up Siblings Without Rivalry By Adele Faber and Elain Mazlish several days ago. My kids generally get along very well. None of them hate each other or even seem to compete with each other. However they are siblings and they do squabble and complain and tattle.

Ug.

It is the tattling that really gets to me, the feeling that I am expected to solve all their problems because I, of course, am responsible for their complete happiness in this life. I know it does them no favors to intervene in every argument, but sometimes it is just so hard to listen to it. It is just as hard when they come asking me to be the judge and proclaim who was right, who should be in trouble, who gets they toy they are fighting over, blah blah blah. when I often don't have any idea who started it, and no solution I come up with will seem "fair" to both parties.

My four oldest kids, age 6to 12, have been on this earth long enough to know the basics of sharing, fairness, anger control (like NOT hitting and kicking!), and that sometimes their siblings do things that they don't like on accident. I understand that it takes a lifetime of fine tuning for most people to always control their tempers and learn how to live peaceably with each other, but seriously, they've got to start using their skills now.

In rereading this book I was reminded that I don't have to listen to tattling, unless there is physical danger. They can work things out themselves. Still it is hard to let things go when someone is obviously being treated unfairly.

Case in point:

Today Gracie (6) had a friend over. The two of them were playing legos along with Charity (9). Suddenly there are raised voices and Gracie runs to her bedroom in tears. I follow Gracie into her room to make sure she is okay. She tells me the other two girls have all the fancy legos for their castles and they won't share with her. AND that Charity even said she would give some to her but now she won't. It all sounded pretty unfair to me and what I wanted to do was go throw all the fancy legos into a pile and divvy them out evenly, or at least make the other girls pony up a few so Gracie would have some too. But all that would do is teach the girls that Mom will side with the child that is crying and if you want something, go tattle.

Soooo . . .

I sat beside Gracie's bed and rubbed her back. I told her that I bet she felt really sad that they weren't sharing, and how her feelings must be hurt. I told her that I wished we had so many fancy legos that the three of them were trying to give them away because they had way too many (she smiled a little at that). I told her that I loved her and left the room. I wish I could tell you how the girls worked it out, but I'm not really sure. However, five minutes later they were all playing happily with each other, so something must have happened between them.

Anyway, as much as I really want to hold onto my children and protect them, I also want them to learn skills that will help them grow into independent, self assured adults who can form positive relationships with others. The hardest part of parenting is knowing when to step in and when to let kids work out solutions on their own. Hopefully I can to teach them problem solving skills when things aren't heated up between them so they can use them when things are, or before they get too hot!

Wish me luck.